The Blog is Writing Itself

Regarding the request posted below, yes, I do take requests, but you may have to be patient. There will definitely be many posts on that and related topics. As for now...

The Best Thing I've Seen in the Past 24 Hours
7/28/05, Near the corner of Gailey and Lindbrook, Westwood Village, approximately 6:30 p.m.

Middle-aged woman in a cheap, purple pants-suit and dark glasses gets out of her car to feed the meter. She inserts some change, then leans down, squinting to look closer at it, before shaking it desperately. She looks around to see if anyone's watching, and without warning, shows the parking meter her teeth and cold clocks it with a serious round-house right. While the parking meter appears unfazed, the woman shakes her head and grimaces in pain and self-disgust, now holding her fist with her other hand. She looks around again to make sure no one's watching, and walks away quickly like nothing happened.

The Best/Most Useless Conversation I've Paid Money to Have in the Past 24 Hours
7/29/05, Wilshire Blvd, Santa Monica, approximately 9:15 a.m.
Doctor, appx. 6'5", Thin, Healthy, Tan, Authoritative

Doctor: Have you had any bloodwork done?
David: Not recently.
Doctor: You should really get some bloodwork done.
David: To test for what?
Doctor: Well, mostly for amemia.
David (surprised): Really? Do I seem anemic?!?
Doctor: No, it's just something everyone has to do.
David: But doesn't anemia usually have symptoms?
Doctor: One feels very tired and low on energy all the time.
David: Hmmm...but I don't feel tired or low on energy at all.
Doctor (distracted): Ok...Well, would you like me to refer you to a lab where you can get that bloodwork done?
David (confused): Ummm...how bout I just get back to you on that?

Most Important Research I've Done in the Past 24 Hours (excerpted from an e-mail with a good friend)

on 7/28/05 6:01 PM, mikal, ---------@hotmail.com wrote:

....also, is it possible for the USA to go into some small country and steal up every single last t-shirt that exists in that small country? -mikal

on 7/28/05 11:43 PM, dave, ---------@hotmail.com wrote:

Dear Mike,

I've done some research on question #2 and I believe there is only one country in the world where the cost of such an operation might be worth the benefit. The one I found is small enough in area and population, has very accomodating terrain, and has few residents who regularly wear t-shirts.

It is Vatican City.

Yes, this is a country, the world's smallest in fact. It's area is only 2/10 of a square mile, it's population just 770. My recommendation would be that we deploy 77 armed soldiers. The operation would take appx. 2 weeks. Each soldier would be equipped with a semi-automatic handgun and a list of ten names of people from whom they must collect all owned t-shirts. This should take no more than 2 days and 2 nights. On days 3-5 the 77 soldiers would conduct meticulous searches of every home, business, structure of antiquity etc., collecting hidden, lost and stray t-shirts. Lastly, days 6-14 would be spent unearthing the entire city to search for t-shirts that may have been buried with corpses or by dogs (though I admit that it is unlikely that corpses in Vatican City would be buried wearing t-shirts, I feel this last gruesome step is critical, as it would endow us with certitude that the entire country has been rid of t-shirts).

The next smallest country in the world is the Principality of Monaco, formerly known as the Kingdom of Monaco. Incredibly, this country of just 7/10 of a square mile has 32,000 residents! This is far too many residents to account for, and exponentially increases the number of variables, potential for tactical error, and subsequently, disaster, regardless of the size and skill of our battalion.

If I had to choose a second country to invade for the purpose of seizing all of it's t-shirts, it would be either Nauru or Tuvalu, the third and fourth smallest countries in the world, respectively. Both these tiny islands are located in the Pacific Ocean, have less than 13,000 residents, and are less than 9 square miles in area (1/10 the size of Washington D.C.). Neither has an elevation of more than 60 meters above sea level at any point, so the terrain would not be a problem. Nauru might be a better choice then Tuvalu, only because it's weather is moderate in the summer months, while Tuvalu's can be stormy and unpredictable. I can provide a preliminary tactical/logistical plan for either invasion if necessary.

I hope the above satisfies your request. Feel free to e-mail me any further inquiries.

Regards,
Dave